Friday 16th October 2009: Your Jokes

So, I'm a virgin who lives with his parents. That's not actually a joke. Obviously that makes things difficult when it comes to entertaining the ladies. But it's worse than that. Even my hands fall asleep on me now.

Joke 1: "I saw Stacey Slater trying to sell a mini dress to a woman in her 80's last week. At least I think it was a woman. It was hard to tell with the facial growth. Not a good look. But then again, Stacey's like Uni in summer - no class."

Joke 2: "I read that babies are born without knee caps... I don't have a joke there, I just think that's cool."

I've got loads of your jokes now. Brilliant. Well, not brilliant. Not at all brilliant. Some of them are a bit ordinary, to be honest. Very raw. Not a lot of polish. But okay for amateurs. I can't say I expected much more. Frankly, if they get any laughs it'll be in my delivery.

Your jokes

Macca from Bridgnorth
Why are football grounds always cold?
Because they're full of fans.

Geoff from Sheffield
What's E.T. short for?
Because he's got little legs.

Lauren from Nottinghamshire
Man: "Doctor, Doctor, I can't stop singing 'Green Green Grass of Home'."
Doctor: "'Green Green Grass of Home'? I think you've got Tom Jones Syndrome."
Man: "Tom Jones Syndrome? Is it common?"
Doctor: "It's not unusual."

Brett from Abertillery
What do you call a monkey that ate a stick of dynamite?
A baboooom!

Mrs Westley from London
Did you read in the paper the other day about the man who drowned in a bowl of muesli? The police say he got pulled under by a strong current.

Benni from Manchester
What do you call a hippy's wife?
Mississippi.

Simon from Sudbury
As it's getting colder now, I went to the local menswear store to get one of those camouflage jackets. When I asked the guy behind the counter for one in my size he said they were out the back and that he'd get one. Anyway, after an hour he hadn't returned, so I rang the bell and said, "Any luck with that jacket?" The store owner finally came out of the storeroom and replied, "I know they're back there somewhere Sir, but I can't find them!"

Natalie from Cumbria
Why is it difficult to date men who are sensitive, caring and good-looking?
Because they already have boyfriends!

Kyran from Leicestershire
What happened to the cross-eyed teacher?
He couldn't control his pupils!

Daniel from Vale of Glamorgan
Two satellite dishes got married. The ceremony was awful but the reception was good!

Sydney from Watford
what do you call a fly with no wings?
A walk.

Ryan from Barry
What do you call a pig that knows Kung fu?
Pork chop.

Ali from Blackburn
What has four wheels And flies?
A garbage truck.

Emily from Ramsgate
A man goes into a bar and says, "Could I have a packet of helicopter crisps please?" The barman says, "Sorry, we only have plain."

Maddy from London
Why did the chicken cross the road?
Because Peggy Mitchell told it to "get out of my pub!"

Craig from South Wales
What did the big chimney say to the small chimney?
You're too young to smoke!

Jason from Walsall
I once had a relationship with a bottle of milk, but it quickly turned sour.

Jade and Dave from Bath
Why did the scarecrow get a promotion?
Because he was outstanding in his field!

Matthew from Merthyr Tydfil
What do you call a man with a number plate on his head?
Reg!

Charlotte from Reddditch
How do you make Lady Gaga cry?
Poke her face.

Jack from Scotland
Why are policemen so strong?
Because they hold up traffic.

Roy from Leicester
I was going to tell you the one about the butter, but I don't want you to spread it.

Lloyd from West Midlands
What do you call a man with no shins?
Tony

Daniel from Surrey
One day a man walks into a bar and says "Ouch!"

Jenny from Liverpool
Two elephants fell off a cliff. Boom, boom.

Jessie from Earth
What did the sea say to the surfer?
Nothing, it just waved.

Danny from London
What do you get if you eat a blackberry?
A Bluetooth.